


Ghost Whisperer

by TheWorldIsYou13



Series: Everything's Changed [2]
Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Ghosts, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-04-16 20:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4638390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWorldIsYou13/pseuds/TheWorldIsYou13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year since Mark's passing and Gary, Howard, Jason and Robbie have decided that they would record a record in Mark's memory. However, Robbie has been finding it hard to cope with the loss of his best friend and when he starts to see Mark from beyond the grave, things can only get better or worse. And if Robbie is ever going to be able to move on from the loss of his friend, then there's only one person who can help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this chapter is okay. I had to rewrite it because I've lost the first two chapters that I originally wrote and so am having to rewrite them before I post. For those who have read this story before, I hope that it is still vaguely how you remember it. 
> 
> Thank you for everyone's support in the first part! :)

Ghost Whisperer

_‘He didn’t know what it was that had awoken him in the early hours of the morning, but that didn’t matter. Robbie awoke to find Mark lying, very nearly, on top of him. Robbie looked down at him and run his hands through Mark’s long hair. He could feel Mark’s slow breathing on top of him and let out a sigh: he was still here. However, Robbie could tell that Mark was now struggling to hold on and it was only a matter of time before he could hold on no longer._

_Robbie moved slightly so he could whisper something in Mark’s ear._

_“It’s all right, Mark.” Robbie whispered. As he did, Mark stirred and slowly opened his eyes one last time and looked at Robbie._

_“Rob?” He whispered._

_“Hi,”_

_“This is it,” Mark struggled to say. Robbie didn’t say anything. “I’m so scared.” Mark managed to get out._

_“I know,” Robbie whispered back._

_“I don’t want to go.” Mark said._

_“Then don’t.” Mark smiled at Robbie but there were tears in both their eyes._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Please Mark, don’t go.”_

_“Robbie...” Mark said. He was really struggling now to speak. “I love you, remember that.” He told him._

_“Always,” Mark smiled before pressing his lips to Robbie’s and kissing him. Robbie kissed back gently, not wanting this moment to end. Then all of a sudden he felt Mark go limp and his head gently rolled onto Robbie’s shoulder; his eyes closed.’_

_..._

Robbie awoke with a start, cold sweat covering his entire body and his breathing heavy. It wasn’t the first time he had had that dream; it had been a reoccurring one most nights since Mark had died. The worst thing was, though, it wasn’t a dream – it was a memory. A memory which Robbie would give anything for to be a dream.

Having calmed down since his sudden awakening, Robbie looked across at Ayda, finding that she was still asleep. He then looked across at the digital clock that sat on the bedside table next to him: _01:00._ It was exactly one year since Mark had passed away; exactly one year of there being a whole in Robbie’s heart that he knew would never be healed.

Lying back down, Robbie grabbed the picture that sat just to the left hand side of the clock. It was the picture the five of them had taken on their trip to Huntingdon just after Mark had found out his fate. The five of them were stood in the country park, huddled together; Robbie’s arms around Mark’s middle. They looked happy despite knowing what was inevitably going to happen. Robbie just wished that Mark was still with them.

He put the picture on the pillow next to his head and looked at it, his fingers brushing the gold frame he had put it in. He wanted Mark back more than anything but, as his eyelids started to close, Robbie knew that there was no way that was going to happen. He was gone, and there was nothing any could ever do to make it okay.

...

Later that morning, Robbie awoke again to find that he was on his own, the photograph still next to his head. He sat up, knowing that he had to be at the studio today. The four of them had decided that they would write and record an album in memory of Mark over the next few months. They had decided to start today because it was the day that marked the day they had lost their friend and, so to them, to sounded right to start an album in which his memory would truly be brought alive.

However, even with that reasoning, Robbie still didn’t feel like doing anything today. All he wanted to do was nothing and just think of about Mark. He didn’t feel up to anything else.

Putting the picture back in its place, Robbie slowly got out of bed and made his way downstairs where Ayda had already made a start on breakfast.

“You okay?” She asked as Robbie walked into the kitchen.

Robbie said nothing and just nodded before sitting down at the breakfast bar, putting his head in his hands. He was tired. He hadn’t slept well at all during the last year; he just hadn’t been able to.

“Rob, you sure you’re okay?” Ayda asked as she put down two plates on the surface and sat down next to Robbie.

Robbie lifted his head and looked across at his wife, who looked back at him with eyes full of concern. She had done nothing but worry about him for the last twelve months and he knew she was going to worry more about him today more so than any other.

“I just miss him.” Robbie said quietly. He didn’t even need to mention Mark’s name, Ayda instantly knew who he meant. She knew it was hard for Robbie; it was hard for all of them. Even though they hadn’t witnessed the moment when Mark passed, unlike Robbie, they were still there with him when he went and that morning when they had been awoken by Robbie sobbing, uncontrollably, they had all known that Mark was gone.

“I know, we all do.” Ayda said with a sympathetic smile. “And I know today will be hard, but you have to go and you have to try and let the sadness pass. Try and remember Mark and the good times you spent together. Not what happened a year ago.” She told him, hoping that Robbie would try and smile at the memories more rather than look like he was about to burst into tears.

“I’ll try.” Robbie said. “We’re starting work on this record today so maybe that’ll take my mind off things.”

“I’m sure it will. Now eat up, can’t have you going to the studio starving, can we?”

...

Before heading to the studio, Robbie walked towards the graveyard where Mark was buried. It was a cold February morning with frost covering the grass. The sun was trying to break through, however, and, as it tried, the frost glistened on the ground below. To anyone else it would have been a pretty sight, but Robbie couldn’t see it. The only thing he saw was the grey in the clouds rather than the sun; the sharp shape of the trees piercing the scenery with the branches holding no leaves and the brown mud, covering the patches of ground where the grass had died. There was nothing beautiful about the scenery, it was miserable. Everything was. Or, at least, that’s the way Robbie saw the world right now.

As he walked up to Mark’s grave, he could see that the flowers that had been put down there a few weeks ago were now dead. Robbie looked at the bulb he held in his hands and wondered if this was the right thing to do.

Reaching Mark’s grave, Robbie knelt down on the ground and looked at the pristine marble that made up Mark’s gravestone. Compared to many other graves in the yard, the writing on Mark’s was as clear as day and, as Robbie read it, he couldn’t help but let a tear fall onto the ground below.

“Hi Mark,” he said quietly. “Just thought I’d pop and see you before I headed towards the studio. Did I tell you about the album the four of us are starting today? I think I did a while back. Anyway, if I didn’t then I’m telling you now. We’re doing it for you, Marky. It was a tough decision but then we realised that it would be what you wanted. Maybe, you’ll be able to hear it wherever you are.” Robbie sniffed back the tears that threatened to fall, he didn’t want to cry, but he knew it was going to be difficult not to.

“I miss you so much Mark.” Robbie said as the tears started to fall from his eyes against his will. “I just want you back.”

There was a moment of silence on Robbie’s part as he looked up at the sky at the exact moment the sun broke through the clouds; rays of sunlight hitting Mark’s grave, making the marble glisten as if it had been covered with glitter.

Robbie couldn’t help but smile. “Was that you, Marky? Did you do that? You’re still with us, aren’t you?” Robbie wiped his eyes and looked back up at the sky before looking at the bulb he still held in his hand. “I brought something for you, I’m hoping it will grow, but it might still be too early. We’ll see though. I never was a keen gardener.” Robbie buried the bulb in the ground near the bottom of the marble stone. He had no idea what it would grow into – if it grew at all – but that was the idea, really. He knew that, whatever it landed up becoming, Mark would find the beauty in it somehow. He had always managed to find the beauty in everything while he had been alive.

He was about to get up when he heard someone running towards him, he looked round and saw that Elwood was running towards his father’s grave, a bunch of flowers in his hands. It never failed to amaze him how much Elwood looked like Mark and every time he saw him, a wave of sadness would pass over him.

The small boy immediately flung his arms around Robbie and held on to him tightly. Robbie knew how hard he and Willow had taken Mark’s death and so hugged him back. Looking ahead, Robbie could see both Emma and Willow approach the two of them. He hadn’t seen Emma for a little while knowing that all she wanted was space to try and deal with the loss of her husband as best she could with two young children to look after.

“Hey Em,” Robbie said when she was close enough.

“Hey Rob,” Emma smiled at him. “You okay?” She asked as Elwood let go of Robbie and went back to his mum and sister.

“Been better,” Robbie said honestly. “How about you?”

“Coping,”

“What about these two?” Robbie asked, looking at both Elwood and Willow as they down flowers for their dad.

“They’re okay. They miss Mark, but I think they’ve been coping better than I have.”

“It must be hard on them.” Robbie said looking down.

“It’s hard for all of us, but we have to move on.” Emma said sadly. “I can’t believe that it’s already been a year.”

“Me neither.” Robbie admitted. “Been the hardest year of my life.”

“You sure you’re okay, Rob?” Emma asked.

“I dunno,”

“You know you can talk to someone.”

“I know. Same goes to you.” Emma just smiled sadly. “Anyway, I’d better be going. I was supposed to be at the studio half an hour ago.” Robbie said looking at his watch. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you later, Rob.” Emma said as she hugged Robbie goodbye. Robbie hugged her back before making his way towards the studio and away from Mark’s grave. Once he was at the gate, he took one more look at the three of them still huddled around Mark’s grave before turning left and making his way towards the studio where the others were waiting for him.

...

As he walked through the studio doors, Robbie could already hear the sounds of instruments being played. He could hear the crash of symbols, the keys of pianos and the strums of guitars, telling him that everyone was already here and waiting for him.

Robbie walked into the main studio area to find Jason sitting on the sofa with a guitar in his hands as he looked left and right he could see that Howard and Gary were in side rooms of their own playing their respected instruments.

Jason looked up and saw Robbie standing in the doorway. He immediately put down his guitar and stood up walking up to his friend and put his arms around him in a friendly hug.

“You alright?” He asked straight away. Trust Jason to notice when something wasn’t right.

“Not really,” Robbie said truthfully. He was too tired to even try lying to Jason and besides there wasn’t much point considering he already knew Jason knew what was wrong. They all did.

Just then, all the noise stopped and Howard and Gary appeared in the main room just as Jason let go of Robbie.

“Hey Rob, we didn’t think that you were going to turn up today.” Gary said as he, too hugged his friend. Howard did the same once Gary had let go.

“If I’m honest, I didn’t want to get up this morning, but I’m not doing this for me, you know that. I’m doing it for Mark.” Robbie told them.

“We know.” Howard said.

“Come on then.” Gary said. “We might as well get started now that we’re all here.” It wasn’t Gary being bossy, he was just desperate to keep working in order to keep his mind wandering to things he’d rather not think about. He knew the others felt the same way and the only way to keep their minds off that day was to keep busy.

“I’m just going to go outside for a moment.” Robbie said as he headed out of the room.

“Rob, you okay, mate?” Howard asked, worried about his friend.

“I just need to spend some time alone. I’ll meet up with you guys in a second.” Robbie said before leaving the room completely.

...

Robbie walked through the studio trying to find his way onto the balcony. This was the first time they had used this studio and Robbie had no idea where everything was. It was massive, though, and Robbie walked for what felt like ages before coming across a small room that looked as though it hadn’t been used in years.

As he opened the door, he stepped inside slowly. It was dark in here, Robbie thought before he managed to find a light switch.

Once the room was hit with light, Robbie noticed that the room was full of old or damaged instruments. It was obviously some kind of storage room that the owners had decided to use for the instruments that no longer worked. Why, Robbie couldn’t understand, but he found he really didn’t care.

Walking in further, Robbie noticed that to the far side, on a table near the far wall, was an old looking CD player. Robbie headed towards it, diving into his pocket and bringing out a CD in a thin case. To anyone else, the CD would look like nothing special. But what this CD contained was one of Robbie’s most treasured possessions. On it was the song that he had helped Mark to record in the first week of the New Year last year. He had been given it by Emma on the day of Mark’s funeral. Emma had told him that Mark had wanted to give it to him for his birthday, but had become far too sick by then to be able to give it to him himself. He remembered the look on Emma’s broken face as she had passed him the disc. She said she didn’t know what was on it and so Robbie remembered putting it in the nearest CD player in the house and playing her Mark’s final song. Emma had broken down in tears, as had Robbie, and the two of them had stayed like that as they listened to Mark’s words.

Taking out the CD, Robbie placed it in the old CD player in front of him. He had no idea if it was going to work but as he switched the stereo on, the small LED screen lit up blue and the CD started to spin as it was read. After a few seconds, the first chords of the song started to play out of from the speakers, Mark’s raw voice following suit.

There was a sofa in the middle of the room for some reason, but Robbie wasn’t about to pick out details as he went over and sat down on it and listened to the song, tears forming in his eyes.

Half way through the song, the door to the room opened and through it came Howard, Jason and Gary. They had obviously started to get worried about Robbie and so came to look for him. They must have heard the song because they had come straight there.

“Rob? What’s this?” Gary asked as the three of them came into the room. Robbie looked up and turned towards the stereo before looking towards his three friends.

“Before Mark died, he was writing and the month before he passed, I helped him to record this.” Robbie explained as the three of them came and sat down on the sofa next to him.

“Why didn’t he tell us before?” Jason asked.

“He said he didn’t want anyone to know he was writing in case he died before it was finished.”

The four of them listened as the song came to an end. They sat there in silence before Gary spoke, bringing them all out of their own minds.

“Can we play it from the beginning?” Gary asked.

 Robbie looked at him before getting up and pressing play on the stereo, allowing the song to start over again.

“I was thinking,” Robbie said after he had sat back down. “Can we put this on this album? I think it would be fitting to put this at the end of the record as a way to say goodbye to Mark through music.”

“That’s a brilliant idea, Rob.” Jason said, placing a hand on the younger man’s shoulder.

“Maybe we should release it as a single, as well?” Howard suggested.

“Would Mark want that, though?” Gary asked. Robbie nodded.

“Yes, I think he would. I think he would want people to hear it. We’ll speak to Emma and see if she’s okay with that.” He said.

“If we do release it as a single, I think it would be better to release it under his own name rather than the band’s name. After all, it’s his song.” Jason said. The others nodded.

“ _Stay Close to Me_ by Mark Owen.” Robbie said. “I think he’d like that.”

The four of them then went into a mutual silence as they continued to listen to their friend’s last ever recorded song, remembering the times that they had spent with him. By the time the song came to an end, not one of them could say that they didn’t have a tear in their eye.

They all knew that the process of making this album was not going to be an easy one. But they were willing to put themselves through it for Mark; their friend.

...


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next week, the four of them continued to work on the music for their up and coming album. To say that it wasn’t easy, this whole process was an understatement. Throughout the days there were many distractions that proved too hard to work through most of the time. Particularly the distraction of Robbie constantly playing Mark’s song. However, no one had the heart to tell him to turn it off, because, truth be told, no matter how much of a distraction the song caused, when it was playing through the studio speakers, it felt like Mark was in the room with him. And it wasn’t until one of them would turn towards the sound that they would suddenly remember that Mark was no longer here.

“I’m not sure we’re going to get anywhere with this album.” Jason said as the four of them sat in the studio with a takeaway one evening during the early stages of writing.

“No we will. It’s just gonna prove harder than normal and it may take a little more time. That doesn’t mean to say that we won’t get anywhere with it.” Gary said, trying to sound as optimistic as he could.

“We can’t give up now.” Howard put in. “We just can’t.”

Throughout this, Robbie didn’t say anything and just continued to stare at his food, eating small bites every now and again. He seemed completely out of it and seemed completely lost in his own mind; a place he was spending a lot of time in lately.

“Rob, you okay?” Gary asked. Robbie just nodded, but continued to stay silent. “Rob?”

“I’m fine, I’m just tired.” Robbie said. It was an excuse he had been using a lot lately and had noticed that people had stopped questioning him about it when he said it; just accepted it without another word.

He sighed before standing up. “I best be getting back now actually.” Robbie grabbed his coat before making his way to the door. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Rob.” Was the last thing he heard before shutting the door behind him and walking out into the cold evening air.

Instead of going straight home, Robbie decided that he would pay Mark a visit at his grave. It wasn’t something he normally did in the evenings during the winter. It was always too cold and the early darkness gave the graveyard an eerie feel which Robbie liked to avoid altogether. However, tonight he decided to put that behind him and see his best friend anyway. He had seen him this morning, of course, but he hadn’t been able to spend as time with him as he would have liked. So, in a way, going back now was almost making up for lost time.

As he walked the paths in the graveyard towards Mark’s grave, there was a sudden change in the wind which made him shiver through his warm coat and caused him to pull the thick material tightly around himself. Being here in the dark was starting to become creepy and Robbie didn’t like it one bit, but he wasn’t about to turn around now; he was here to see his best friend and not even a cold, eerie graveyard could prevent him from doing that.

“Hey Marky,” Robbie said to the stone when he reached Mark’s grave. “Thought I’d stop by and see you before I went home. I know I don’t come here in the evenings all the time, but it’s winter and, frankly, it’s bloody freezing and slightly eerie in the dark, so I won’t stay long.”  Robbie knelt down on the cold earth beneath him. “So how are you? Is life in the sky better than life here on earth? I bet it is, you don’t have things to worry about all the time now, I guess.” Robbie paused and just looked at the stone in front of him. “I tell you what, this bloody album we’re doing is a bloody nightmare. Dunno if you’ve heard anything or not but we haven’t got much at the moment, if I’m honest.” Robbie sighed. “It’s hard without you, you know? I miss you so much. I... I just wish you’d come back.” Robbie felt like crying now. “I want you back, Mark. I don’t know if you know this, but the song you wrote is going to be our first single and I play it every day. I guess you could say it helps me think that you’re still here with us. Every time I hear it, it makes me cry.” Robbie felt a tear fall down his cheeks and so he wiped it away. “I love you, Marky. I’ll see you tomorrow yeah?”

Just as Robbie was about to stand up, he could have sworn that he felt something on his shoulder for a brief moment. He looked over his right shoulder, expecting to find one of the lads standing behind him. But there was no one there. Slightly freaked out, Robbie whispered one last goodbye to Mark before walking out of the graveyard. All the way back to his house, he couldn’t shake the feeling that there had been another presence by the grave with him.

...

The morning after, Robbie walked the way to the studio in the cold in silence. He had to admit, he was still a little shaken from last night. He was so sure that he had felt something on his shoulder and, if he wasn’t mistaken, it had felt like someone’s hand. However, he had been in a graveyard in the dark after all, maybe it had just been his mind’s way of trying to scare the shit out of him. He hated to admit it, but it had very nearly worked.

Robbie had been to see Mark earlier that morning and so headed straight towards the studio without stopping.

Suddenly, the wind picked up considerably for a second, but once the sudden gust had passed, Robbie looked up at the sky and saw that the clouds had parted, allowing the sun and the surrounding blue sky to shine through. It almost felt warmer as well and Robbie felt tears prick in his eyes as he looked up at the unseasonal sky. Mark had always loved the sun – especially in the cold when all it ever seemed to do was rain. Robbie also remembered him saying that he loved how the sky looked icy and that he loved the way the sun would make the frost glisten. Looking at the sky now, Robbie couldn’t help but think of Mark. Was this his doing? Robbie didn’t know.

He eventually made it to the studio where the others were already working on one of the backing tracks that they had made. Robbie had to admit, he didn’t really want to be here, he wanted to spend the day with Mark. Since starting this project, Robbie felt like he had been putting Mark to one side in a way. All he wanted to do was to spend time with him. He felt like he wasn’t spending near enough time with him lately.

“Morning, Rob.” Jason said with a smile as the younger man came into the room. The three of them smiled back at him, but Robbie didn’t smile back. Instead he just mumbled a quiet ‘morning’ back and walked outside, lighting up a cigarette once he was out of the door. He felt ashamed to think it, but what Robbie really wanted right now was a drink and not the coffee type drink either. However, he knew he couldn’t, he had been sober for years now and he had since been doing so well with it that he had managed to help Mark out four years ago. As that thought crossed his mind, Robbie felt tears in his eyes. Four years ago wasn’t that long, which only made Robbie realise, once again, just how little time had passed since Mark had died.

Robbie put out his cigarette and slumped down on the bench behind him, putting his head in his hands as he felt sobs attack him.

“Rob, you okay, mate?” Robbie looked up to see Gary now standing by the door.

“I’m fine.” Robbie wiped his face with his sleeve. “I’ll be in in a minute. Can you guys just give me some time? I just need to clear my head.” Robbie said. Gary nodded in understanding and gave the younger man a sympathetic smile.

“Okay, you take your time. Come in when you’re ready.” Gary told him. Robbie gave a small smile of thanks in return before Gary walked back inside, leaving Robbie on his own. He silently gave thanks that he had such understanding friends as he watched Gary walk back to Howard and Jason inside. Once he was out of sight, Robbie put his head back in his hands and let out a long, shaky breath.

For a good few minutes, Robbie felt calm and contented out in the cold on his own. It wasn’t long, though, before all that changed:

He was just about to compose himself and head back inside when the wind blew strangely around him. Once it had died down, Robbie could feel some sort of presence beside him. Whoever was sat next to him was so close that Robbie could easily head-butt them if he moved his head to one side.

“For God’s sake! I thought I tod Gary that I wanted to be on my own? Do you guys ever listen to me?” Robbie said annoyed, but he still didn’t look up.

“He didn’t tell me.” Robbie froze where he was as soon as he heard the voice. He hadn’t heard that voice for a year now and there was no possible way that he could be hearing it now. “Though, to be honest, he couldn’t actually see me. And besides, when did I ever really listen to Gary when it came to you?” The voice spoke, ignoring the fact that Robbie was frozen to the spot.

“Y...You can’t be here.” Robbie said eventually, lifting his head slightly, but not once did he turn to face who was sat next to him.

“Depends on how you look at it, really.” The voice said. “Technically, I shouldn’t be able to talk to you, no, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be here.”

“B...but you’re dead! I watched you die.” Robbie shouted.

“Robbie...”

“You can’t be here! I’m going mental, I know I am. You’re dead and you have been for a year now.” Robbie stood up and walked away from where he had sat. However, he still never once turned around.

“Robbie, please let me explain. I am here. Yes, I am dead, but I am here.” The voice pleaded, gradually making it’s way towards Robbie, who started to tense up with every step closer it took. “Robbie please, look at me. Turn around and look at me.” The voice pleaded once more, but Robbie just shook his head.

“No, because this isn’t real. You’re not real. This is all a dream – a nightmare – and any minute I’ll wake up and none of this would have happened. Not today – not any of it.” Robbie said, still not turning around.

“Robbie, this is real. I am real. It’s not a dream nor a nightmare.”

“Yes it is! Just leave me alone.” Robbie bolted inside the building and ran passed the other three, who were still working.

“Rob, are you alright, mate?” Howard asked, but Robbie ignored him and ran out of the building, not once turning around and looking back.

“Shit, is he alright?” Jason asked. “Maybe we should go out and find him?” He made to stand, but Gary stopped him.

“Best let him calm down, Jay. If he wants to come back, he will.” Gary said and Jason could only agree.

“What do you reckon made him bolt out like that?” Howard asked.

“Lord knows. I just hope that he’s alright.” Gary sighed. “Come on, we might as well carry on. We might have something else by the time Rob comes back.”

“If he comes back, you mean.” Jason sighed.

...

Robbie had no idea where the hell he was going to go, but far away from the studio sounded like a good bet. What had happened had scared the shit out of him. He knew it wasn’t real; there was no possible way that it ever could be. But it had felt real and that was what scared Robbie more than anything else. He didn’t want to believe that it could be real and so the sooner he got himself out of the situation, the better.

As he ran away from the studio, Robbie put what had just happened down to his mind playing tricks on him. What else could it be? Mark was dead and there were no such thing as ghosts – were there? No, there is no such thing as ghosts, Robbie told himself. It’s just your mind. You’re tired and the lack of sleep is making you lose it. Maybe a nap would be the best thing for you now?

Carrying out his thought train, Robbie took the next right and started to make his way home; slowing to a fast walk. He was far away enough from the studio to feel safe from what had just happened. His heart was pumping like mad and not just because he had spent the last ten minutes running.

As his heart and breathing rate slowed back down to something that represented normality, Robbie concentrated on getting his mind in a state where he might be able to get some sleep when he got back to his house.

Eventually, he reached his house and opened the door, immediately making his way towards his bedroom. He was so exhausted that he collapsed on the bed and immediately closed his eyes. All the while thinking about what had happened today and the possibility of it being in any way real.

He wasn’t losing it, was he? He couldn’t be too sure.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three and four are the original chapters from a couple of years ago. I realised today that I haven't actually finished chapter five but have started it. So hopefully, that'll be up soon and I will continue it from there. Can't promise how quickly though... :)

Robbie didn’t go back to the studio for the rest of the day, nor did he go and visit Mark again. He knew that Ayda had gone out with a few of her friends for the day whilst Robbie was supposed to be working with the other lads. It meant that Robbie was able to isolate himself from anyone else for a while until Ayda made her way home.

As soon as he had got back from the studio, Robbie had gone straight up to his room and had lain down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. As he did, he tried to calm his rapid breathing; his heart was beating at an alarming rate, partly due to the fact that he had ran all the way back, but also because of what had happened back at the studio had scared the shit out of him.

He hadn’t moved from the bed since getting home and he could slowly feel himself drift off despite the chaos going on inside his head. What stopped him from falling asleep, though, was the sound of the front door opening and shutting before the sound of his wife’s footsteps coming from the hall and up the stairs.

The bedroom door opened and Ayda came into Robbie’s view. At first she didn’t notice that Robbie was there, but when she did, she nearly jumped out of her skin.

“Rob, you scared me.” She let out a long breath. “What are you doing back here anyway? I thought that you were at the studio.”

“I was, but something happened and I came home.” Robbie said, not wanting to go into detail about what happened.

“Please tell me you didn’t start an argument with one of the others.” Ayda said, really hoping that that wasn’t the case. Thankfully Robbie shook his head. “Then what happened?” Ayda sat on the edge of the bed as Robbie sat up himself.

“I think I’m going mental.” Robbie said quietly refusing to look at Ayda.

“Why?”

“I... I think I talked to Mark.” Robbie said.

“You talk to him every day at his grave, Rob. That doesn’t make you mental.” Ayda smiled at him.

“No, I mean... It doesn’t matter, it’s not real.” Robbie said, trying to drop the subject, but Ayda was having none of it.

“Are you saying that you talked to Mark’s ghost?” Ayda asked and Robbie nodded. “Oh Rob...”

“I was outside sitting on the bench, trying to clear my head, and I felt someone sit next to me. I had thought it was one of the others, but then he spoke and he sounded like Mark. Kept telling me to turn around and look at him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to look at someone who’s not there.” Robbie could feel himself welling up, but managed to, just about, control his emotions.

“Robbie, you’re tired.” Ayda said. “Everything’s getting to you and you’re mind is starting to play games with you. Whatever you do, don’t give in to it. You’re not going mental, Rob, you just miss Mark and the lack of sleep you’ve been getting is making your mind do funny things.” Ayda told him.

“What if I am going mental? What if I need help? I can’t bear the thought of having to go back to rehab.” Robbie admitted.

“It won’t come to that, Rob. I promise. You just need to sleep.” Ayda said.

“OK,” Robbie said, though he didn’t sound entirely convinced.

“Tell you what, I’ll go put dinner on and you can start catching up on some sleep. I’ll call Gary as well and tell him that you won’t be in tomorrow.” Ayda said smiling at Robbie who smiled back at her before lying back down as Ayda walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs to make a start on dinner.

“I’m not going mental, I’m not sick and I’m _not_ going to give into the demons, Mark.” Robbie said as he quickly drifted off into a, somewhat, peaceful sleep.

...

_Robbie could see for miles ahead of him from where he stood on top of large hill. He could see that there was a lake below him and that there were hills to be seen for miles. He knew he had to be somewhere in the Lake District, there was no other place like it. The amount of times Robbie had been up here in the past, either to come for walks or to visit Mark when he used to live here, made him able to instantly recognise the place. It was a place where the beauty never changed and he could see why Mark had loved it so much._

_He knew that he was here in a dream, however, but that didn’t bother him. It felt real enough and for the first time in a long time he actually felt calm and relaxed. It was like all the worries and pain that he had been feeling had gone, leaving him with a blissful feeling that he never wanted to leave him._

_He walked a little way from where he had been stood and stopped to look across at the lake below him. He could see the water glistening like diamonds in the sunlight that was shining brightly from the clear blue sky that was above him. Robbie sat down on the edge of a rock and continued to look out. For a little while, he felt as though time had gone back and he was out on one of his walks, maybe on his way to visit Mark who he knew would either be at his house on one of his own walks._

_That was until the wind picked up and Robbie shivered in the thin jacket he was wearing. However, despite the cold wind, the sun continued to shine and nothing else seemed to have changed. Robbie ignored the wind, thinking nothing of it. After all, it was only a slight change in the wind, it didn’t mean anything. However, all of a sudden, the sunlight disappeared and Robbie looked up at the sky wondering if it was about start raining. He stood up, but as he did, the sun reappeared, but it now felt considerably chillier._

_Robbie had always known that the British weather could never make up his mind, but this was slightly weird. The rate that the weather was changing was, in a way, almost scary._

_He didn’t know why, but Robbie could feel his dream rapidly turning into a nightmare. The sun was still out, but there was a chill in the air telling him that something was about to happen and Robbie couldn’t help but feel slightly frightened._

_He tried to put the fear behind him and tried to make his way back down the hill away from this place. But his dream had other ideas and Robbie found himself rooted to the spot, unable to move from where he stood. He cursed his mind for being so cruel to him and suddenly felt a lot more frightened than he wanted to let on._

_All of sudden, he felt his heart jump, skipping a beat, as he felt something wrap around his waist from behind. He didn’t look down, he just continued to look straight ahead of him as still as a statue. He thought that, if he stayed still, then maybe whatever had hold of him would go away and leave him alone. However, his theory didn’t work and he felt something that felt a lot like a head rest on his back._

_He tried to calm his breathing as he looked down and found two arms wrapped around his stomach. He noticed that there was a familiar wedding ring on the figure’s left hand. His breathing hitched again and he looked back up ahead of him. He could feel where the figure’s head rested on his back and he could, roughly, tell how tall the figure was. Robbie closed his eyes and breathed heavily._

_“Please, just stop this.” Robbie said up to the sky – to his mind. He knew who was behind him and he couldn’t believe that his mind was being so cruel to him yet again._

_“Funny, I remember there was a time you used to like me doing this.” The figure spoke and Robbie seriously felt like shouting out to his mind to stop torturing him like this. “You used to do it to me a lot, too.”_

_Robbie didn’t know what to say. He knew it wasn’t real. It was a dream – a nightmare – and he knew there was no point in answering with something that he knew would never be really heard._

_“You don’t think this is real, do you?” The figure asked, knowing how Robbie was feeling. Robbie didn’t answer; just continued to stand where he was, still as anything, refusing to listen to what was being said, but there was no use. “Please, Rob, say something.” The figure pleaded. “Or at least turn around.”_

_“You’re not real, you’re dead.” Robbie said finally. “This is a trick. A trick that my mind keeps playing on me.”_

_“This is no trick, Robbie.”_

_“I’m dreaming,” Robbie said._

_“I know, but this is real.”_

_“It’s a dream!”_

_“I know, but if you just turn around, I can explain things to you.” The figure pleaded._

_Robbie didn’t know what made him turn around, but he soon found himself being released of the grip he had been in and he started to turn around, against his will. Even though he knew who had been behind him, he still found himself nearly jumping out of his skin as soon as he saw Mark’s face looking at him. He took a step away from him, but didn’t let his eyes once leave Mark’s face._

_Mark looked younger in a way, the lines that had been on his face before he died had faded. He looked well and healthy, something that he hadn’t been for a long time. Robbie noticed, however, that Mark was still much paler than he had been before getting ill. Other than that, he looked the same as ever._

_“Robbie, please don’t be scared. I’m here because I need your help.” Mark said calmly._

_“Don’t be scared?! Mark, what the fuck? You come out of nowhere when you’re supposed to be dead and you tell me not to be scared?” Robbie almost shouted at him. Mark felt a little shocked that Robbie was shouting at him like this, but he had told himself previously to expect this to happen. “And what do you mean you need my help?” Robbie asked. “What could you possibly need help with now?  You’re dead.”_

_“I need your help to move on, Robbie.” Mark said, staying calm, hoping that it might help Robbie to calm down as well._

_“What d’you mean?” Robbie said, calming slightly._

_“I’m stuck here and I need your help.” Mark said._

_“Stuck here?” Robbie asked._

_“I can’t cross over. Something’s stopping me from doing that.” Mark said. “Apparently it happens all the time with ghosts. They get left behind, but there’s no-one to help them.” Mark said looking down at the ground below him._

_“No, I don’t believe you. Ghosts aren’t real and this isn’t happening.” Robbie said shaking his head and trying to walk away with more bravery than he felt._

_“Robbie, please!” Mark said with more force this time. “I know this is hard to believe, but you’re the only person who can help me.” Mark said, a pleading look in his eyes, willing Robbie to understand him._

_“Just leave me alone!” Robbie shouted. “Please, leave me alone.” Robbie said quieter this time as he pleaded Mark. He looked like he was about to break down and so Mark walked up to him, wanting to comfort his friend. Robbie, just backed up and so Mark stopped where he was, fearing that Robbie would fall over the edge if he walked any closer. “Stay away from me, Mark. Just stay the hell away. You’re not real!”_

_“If I’m not real, then why are you so scared of me?” Mark challenged._

_“Because I’m scared that I’m losing it; that I’m going mental.” Robbie told him._

_“You’re not going mental, Rob. Please, just believe me.” Mark hated the fact that his friend was so scared of him; of going mental. He just wanted him to understand what was going on, but it looked like it was going to take a lot of work to get Robbie to finally believe him. “Look, when you wake up, come to my grave at midday.” Mark said. “I promise you, this is real and I will make you see that.” Mark said._

_“How can I believe you?” Robbie said._

_“Just please, Robbie. If you love me like you said then you’ll come.” Mark said. He didn’t say anything else and neither did Robbie as he stood staring at Mark as he began to fade out of view. Robbie watched with his eyes wide and his breathing quick. It was only now that Robbie realised that he had seen a look of hurt in Mark’s eyes when he had said that he didn’t believe him. Was it possible that what Mark had told him was true? It couldn’t be. Robbie still believed that it was his mind playing tricks on him. But Mark’s presence had felt so real – more real than the scenery he found himself in. Robbie didn’t know what to think right now, he was so scared that what Mark had said was true._

_Maybe when he woke up, he would forget everything that had just happened in his dream._


	4. Chapter 4

By ten o’clock the next morning, Robbie had expected his dream to have faded from his mind. However, if possible, it had done the complete opposite. Since waking up in a pool of cold sweat, fearing what had happened, Robbie couldn’t think of anything else and the more he thought about what had happened, the more Mark’s words seemed to loop around in his head.

 _...when you wake up tomorrow, come to my grave at midday..._  
...I promise you, this is real...  
...this is real...this is real... this is real...

Those three words kept on resounding in Robbie’s head and, no matter how hard he tried, he just could not get Mark’s voice out of his head. For an entire twelve months, Robbie had wanted to hear nothing else than the sound of his best friend talking to him again; but now, he just wished he would leave him along.

When he had turned on the laptop first thing that morning, Robbie found he had three new emails all from the rest of the lads back at the studio. Each of them said almost the same thing: _Are you OK?_ As Robbie looked back now at what had happened at the studio, he could see the scared looks of Gary, Howard and Jason as he shouted at the top of his lungs at something they couldn’t see – that he _refused_ to see. He felt bad for scaring them like he had, but he had been terrified himself. Had they been in the position that he had been in back then – and even now – then he was almost certain that they would have acted in a similar way.

After having read the emails the lads had sent him and replied to all of them saying that he was fine, Robbie couldn’t help but scroll through his old emails. Most of them were from the record label and a few of his friends outside the band. But as he continued to look through his old emails, there was one that eventually caught his eye. It was the last email Mark had ever sent to him, sent in 2011 just after the tour had finished and Robbie had gone back to LA.

He hovered the mouse over the email and toyed with the idea of reopening it or not. It had been almost three years now since he had opened it. Back then, none of them could have known what would happen in the months ahead. This was at a time when things seemed like they could only get better and Robbie wished, more than anything else, that they had.

A familiar sounding double-click brought him out of his thoughts and Robbie found that he had, subconsciously, opened Mark’s email and now sat staring at the last words Mark had typed to him.

_Hi Rob!_

_Just emailing to see if you’re all right and I just want to say thanks again for coming back. The tour was amazing and I don’t think I’ve felt this happy in years._

_Hope you and Ayda are OK on the other side of the world. Things are constantly on the up for me and Emma and the kids are happy, which is always good._

_Anyway, can’t wait to see you again, mate. Have fun and good luck with whatever you do next. Not sure what I’m going to do yet, although painting sounds like a good idea to me. Though, I’m not so sure Emma’s going to like that much, but we’ll have to see what happens. Maybe I could just sit in the studio and make a load of noise._

_Right, better go now, Elwood keeps calling me to play football with him._

_See you soon, I hope._

_Love Mark._

Robbie stared at the email for ages, just rereading it over and over, hearing Mark’s voice in his head. He sounded happy, full of life, with no knowledge of what would happen. Back then, they were just enjoying themselves, making the most of their time out of work. It was sad to think that everything had turned upside down so quickly.

As Robbie read, a tear slipped down his face. He hung his head, looking away from the screen in front of him. He was so caught up in his own memories – the memories of the calm before the storm – that he didn’t noticed when Ayda walked into the room, looking at her husband with sad eyes.

“Rob, you OK?” She asked gently.

Somewhat startled, Robbie turned around and looked at her, pulling down the lid of the laptop as he did to hide Mark’s email.

“I’m fine,” Robbie said, but Ayda knew, full well, that he wasn’t.

“What you looking at?” She asked, coming closer and sitting next to Robbie.

“Just looking through my emails, that’s all.” Robbie told her.

“You were reading an email from Mark, weren’t you?” It wasn’t really a question, but rather a prompt to get Robbie talking about how he was feeling. She knew that, the moment she brought up anything to do with Mark, Robbie usually started to open up. Usually; not always.

“Yeah,” Robbie said lifting the lid of the laptop again, so Ayda could see. She didn’t read it, however, and just looked from the screen to Robbie.

“When did he send it?”

“Just after the tour after I’d gone back to LA with you.” Robbie told her. “It wasn’t that long before he knew about the tumour. The scary thing is, at the time this was sent, that tumour was already growing inside Mark, waiting to kill him.” Robbie started to break down and so Ayda brought him into a hug and held him as he cried.

“It’ll be all right, Rob, I promise.” Ayda whispered into her husband’s ear. “I know its hard now, but it’ll get easier.”

“I hope so, I really hope so.” Robbie said through his tears. “Because it hurts, you know. It really hurts.”

Ayda said nothing back and just continued to hold Robbie, letting the tears fall from his eyes. It was clear that Robbie didn’t believe that things would be all right in the end and that this whole thing would start to get easier, but everyone else did and, even though it hurt now, they knew that the pain would start to ease and they would be able to carry on as normal – just like Mark wanted for them. All they needed to do was convince Robbie, but with everyone still hurting a year on after Mark’s death, they knew it wasn’t going to an easy journey.

Eventually, Robbie pulled away and wiped his eyes, taking one last look at the email opened in front o him, before closing it and shutting down the computer. He stood up and put the laptop away before grabbing his coat and walking towards the front door.

Ayda watched for a few seconds before following him through the house.

“Rob, where you going?” Ayda asked.

“I need to be somewhere in...” Robbie looked at his watch, checking the time before looking back up and finishing his sentence. “...half an hour.”

“All right,” Ayda said. “I’ll see you later then.” She gave Robbie and quick hug and a kiss before Robbie opened the front door into the cold morning air. “Don’t be too long.”

“I’ll try not to be,” Robbie told her before saying goodbye and walking out of the house, closing the door firmly behind him.

...

He knew that this was just his mind playing tricks on him. After all, none of this could be real, but there was something in the back of his head that told him he had to do this; had to go to Mark’s grave at the time given in his dream.

As he reached the grave yard, he looked down at his watch. It was five minutes to twelve, giving Robbie more than enough time to walk up to Mark’s grave and wait for whatever it was he was here for – if anything.

He walked over to Mark’s grave passing no-one on the way. The frost on the plants had started to disappear, leaving the grass cold and damp. Robbie looked up at the tree a little way away from where he was standing. It didn’t quite overshadow Mark’s grave, but it was enough so that, in the spring when everything started to come out, blossom would fall from the tree, covering and surrounding Mark’s grave in a burst of spring colour.

_Like a snowfall in the spring_

Robbie could hear Mark’s voice as clear as crystals in his head, almost as if he was right next to him, singing softly in his ear.

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath of the cold air, letting it out slowly, opening his eyes and watching as his breath floated like white smoke in the air by his face, disappearing almost as quickly as it had come.

There was a sudden gust of wind, sending shivers down Robbie’s spine. Now that he was standing still, not moving anywhere, he could feel the cold creep through his clothing and bite at his skin. He had forgotten to put any other outdoor gear on other than his coat and could now feel the cold harsher than before.

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Robbie tried to block off the cold, but the cold was like a demon; a demon determined not to let you win the fight and, soon enough, Robbie gave up and let the cold attack him, but still, he showed no signs that he was letting it get to him.

Another gust of wind came, sounding in the trees. It was stronger than before and Robbie could hear the howling sounds of the gale around him. When it died down a second later, Robbie shivered, though, this time, not from the cold. When he had entered the grave yard not that long ago, he knew he had been alone. Now, he could feel a presence standing closely behind him. He wanted to turn around or to speak out, but nothing happened. It was his dream all over again; the dream that he had refused to believe had been real in the slightest. However, how could that have all been made up when he felt the same way now? Unless, this was a dream to.

“Why won’t you leave me alone?” Robbie asked, not once turning around.

“Because I need your help and you need mine.”

“I don’t need your help. The only way that you could ever help me now is by coming back.” Robbie said.

“I can’t come back, you know I can’t. And you may not realise it yet, but you need my help and I’ve already told you how I need your help.”

“You explained nothing to me. It was all a dream and this is to.”

“This isn’t a dream. Last night, yes, that was a dream, but I was real. And this, this is all real.”

“You can’t be here. You just can’t.”

“Please, turn around and look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Please,”

“I can’t face the fact that I’m losing it, because you’re not really here.”

“Robbie, please turn around. You’re not losing it; I promise you, you’re not. But you will if you don’t turn around and face me.”

“Just leave me alone, Mark, leave me alone. I’ve had enough. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Rob, please.”

“No, get out of my head.”

“I’m not in your head and I never was.”

“How can I believe you?”

“Like this.”

Suddenly, something hard hit the back of Robbie’s head. He turned around; wanting to get a look at what had hit him. That’s when he saw the small stone on the ground in front of him and the ghostly figure of Mark staring into his eyes.

“Don’t make me do that again.” Robbie looked up at Mark and swallowed. He wanted to run away; wanted to hide until this all blew over. There was no way that Mark could be standing in front on him now; there was no way that he could have thrown that stone at him to turn him around. There was just no way.

“Did you...?”

“Yes, and it takes a lot of energy to do that, so don’t make me do it again.”

“But how...? You’re dead!” Robbie said, his voice rising ever-so-slightly.

“You think I don’t know that. I know I’m dead, Rob, you don’t have to keep reminding me.” Mark looked at him and Robbie could see that he was slightly pissed off.

“You look younger.” Robbie said softly, taking in Mark’s features for the first time. Like in his dream, the only lines on his face were ones formed with age, but Mark being Mark, there was hardly a line on him. His eyes were brighter than Robbie remembered, a brilliant blue shining within the grey of the clouds covering the sky above them, but his skin was white, something that Robbie could only remember when he had cradled Mark’s body in his arms, the day he had died, as the sun started to rise in the sky.

Mark gave a small smile and looked down at the ground. “I’m not sick anymore.” He looked up at Robbie and noticed the way Robbie looked now. “You look tired.” Mark told him.

“I am,” Robbie said. “I haven’t slept properly for at least two years now.”

“I’m so sorry,” Mark told him, feeling guilty knowing that he had been the reason to why.

“It’s not your fault, Mark.”

“Maybe it is. All of it.” Mark looked up at Robbie again with a sad look in his bright eyes.

“Don’t say that. Not again, Mark, please.” Mark nodded and looked down again. “Are you... Are you really real?” Robbie asked. Even though he had stopped refusing to talk to Mark, he still didn’t quite believe that his dead friend was standing right in front of him.

Mark nodded. “I’m as real as I can be for a ghost.” He said.

Robbie suddenly let out a sob, finally letting Mark’s words be truth.

“Rob, it’s OK, please don’t cry. Please.” Mark said desperately trying to calm his friend down.

“I’ve missed you.” Robbie said through tears. “For a whole year I’ve wanted nothing other than for you to come back; for you to be well again.” Mark watched as Robbie cried, feeling helpless at the fact that he couldn’t go over to him and hug him; hold him; cradle him as he cried. He wanted nothing more than to be able to feel Robbie’s arms around him one more time. He’d do anything for that, but he knew that there was no point in wishing for something that would never happen.

Soon, Robbie calmed down and looked back up at Mark, standing close to him. He reached a hand out to touch Mark, but Mark shook his head before his arm could reach him.

“You can’t touch me, Rob. I’m not solid. All I am is a remnant of myself.” Mark told him. “Believe me, I want nothing more than for you to hug more or the other way round, but there’s no way it can happen. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right; I can talk to you, though.” Robbie gave a small, sad smile. “That’s something else I’ve wanted for a whole year. To talk to you again – properly.”

“You shouldn’t be able to, though.” Mark said looking down at the ground.

“Talk to you? I know, you’re not really here.” Robbie said.

“I am, though, I am really here.”

“That’s not what I meant,”

“I know,”

A silence cast over the two of them and, for what seemed like hours, neither of them uttered a single word. Neither of them could look at the other though and they both continued to look down at the ground beneath them, both too afraid to look into the other’s eyes.

It was Mark who broke the silence, looking up at Robbie who, too, looked up as Mark spoke.

“You have to help me, Rob.” He said.

“How?”

“I don’t know, but you have to, I can’t move on unless you help me.”

“How am I meant to help you when I don’t know what’s wrong?” Robbie asked. He wanted nothing more than to help Mark, but there were so many things he didn’t understand and the one thing he had no idea about was what Mark needed help with. He couldn’t cross over, what did that mean? A few details from his dream the night before were finally fading, but he could vaguely remember Mark asking him for help.

“You have to help me find closure.” Mark told him.

“Closure?”

“There are things that I have to do before I can finally be free, but I don’t know what they are.” Mark said.

“And you think I do?”

“Rob, you’re the only one who can help me.” Mark told him.

“Why me, though? Why don’t you go to someone else? Why does it have to be me?” Robbie asked, tears formed in his eyes again and Mark looked down, too afraid to look at Robbie. He had watched him over the past twelve months; watched how he had grieved and how he had dealt with his death. He hadn’t taken it well at all and Mark was afraid that this would scar Robbie further; that, by doing this, he would never recover from the pain that he felt. But he had no-one else to turn to. Robbie was his only hope.

“Robbie, please, I need you.” Mark pleaded. “Just like before. Just like always.”

“I c... I can’t do this, Mark.” Robbie said. “Please, j... just stay away from me. I can’t handle it.”

Subconsciously, Mark took a step forward as if he was about to bring his friend into a hug – an action he could never perform – but Robbie stepped back, wanting to stay away; to keep his distance. When Mark didn’t push him and stayed where he was. He had always known that this was going to be difficult for Robbie, but he needed to get him to understand that Robbie was the only person that could help him. He had never meant to put him in this position, but he had to.

“Robbie...” Mark started, but Robbie interrupted him.

“No, just leave me alone. Please Mark, please. Just leave me alone.” Robbie pleaded him with tears falling from his eyes.

“I can’t. I need you.”

“Why now, huh? Why now? Why not twelve months ago?”

“I thought that, the longer I left it, the more chance I’d have of being able to talk to you.” Mark said. “I saw you twelve months ago, Rob. I’ve seen you every day since I died; seen how you’ve been for the past year of your life...”

“Then why didn’t you make yourself known to me before?!”

“Because, I wanted to give you space. Wanted you to try and get over what had happened before I did. What would you have done if I had come to you the day after I died?” Mark asked, his tone almost matching Robbie’s.

“I don’t know.” Robbie almost shouted.

“I doubt it would have done you any good. At least now you’ve had some time to move on.”

“I needed you back then, Mark. Couldn’t you see that?”

“You needed to have time to move on. I couldn’t do this then. Please, you have to understand that.”

Eventually, it seemed as though Mark was starting to get through to Robbie as he seemed a lot calmer than he had done less than a minute ago. Robbie looked at Mark, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Please, help me, Rob.” Mark pleaded softly. “I can help you, too.”

Robbie looked at Mark, moving his hand away from his face. As he looked at the dead man in front of him, he could see the desperate look in his eyes. A look that Robbie had found hard to say no to when he had once been alive. He knew Mark needed his help and he knew he needed Mark’s. He was scared though; he couldn’t and wouldn’t deny it.

But he also knew he couldn’t put himself through anymore hurt. Doing this – helping Mark – could mean that he might never find it in him to say goodbye. By doing this, he could do himself more harm than good. He had to say no.

“I can’t Mark, I just can’t.” Robbie shook his head, whist avoiding Mark’s gaze.

“I know this is hard. I get that; I really do, but please.” Mark said, but Robbie stayed quite. “Look, why don’t you go to Lakes for the weekend and come to Lake Windermere on Sunday morning. I’ll show you something that might make you change your mind.” Mark gave Robbie one final sad smile and in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

Robbie stared at the spot where Mark’s ghost had been standing only a second ago. It was almost like he had never been there in the first place.

He stared at nothing for a while longer, before looking down at Mark’s grave beside him and closing his eyes, letting a tear fall. He watched as it fell from his eye and hit the cold marble of the tomb stone below and, as he walked away from the graveyard, he couldn’t help but hear Mark’s words resounding over and over in his head. He would go to the Lakes for the weekend and see what it was that Mark had to show him, but he still wasn’t sure that helping him was a good idea.

But, maybe, it could help him to be able to find it in himself to let Mark go.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Had this chapter written for ages and forgot to put in on here after I'd posted it on Wattpad.. Sorry for the long wait. I want to try and update soon, but I've got so much on right now with A Levels and work and all. I'll see what I can do.  
> Anyway, he's the long awaited chapter five. I hope you all enjoy!  
> Please let me know what you think  
> \- Emma x

Despite knowing there was no way that he could face doing what Mark had asked of him, Robbie kept to the promise he had made to himself in his head and took Ayda up to the Lake District that weekend. He hadn’t told her the truth about why he was doing this. As far as she knew, Robbie was just taking her up north for a much-needed break. She didn’t realise that the reason behind all this was because her husband’s best friend – who had been dead for just over a year – had told him to come. Had he told her that, Robbie was certain that she might start to rethink whether or not he was losing it. 

On the Friday evening, Robbie drove towards the graveyard and parked the car by the curb. He got out the car, telling Ayda that he was just going to tell Mark that he wouldn’t be around for the next couple of days. Ayda nodded and smiled sympathetically at him as Robbie got out the car.

As Robbie approached Mark’s grave, he could see that there were bunches of fresh flowers in front of the tombstone. He knew they were either from Emma and the kids or one of the other lads. He smiled sadly as it occurred to him that he was going to have to go back to the studio sometime next week and apologise to the four of them for what had happened earlier in the week. He wanted them to understand what was going on, but he knew he couldn’t tell them the truth. How could he possibly tell them that he had seen and spoken to Mark when he was no longer with them? If he told them, there was no way that they would believe him. Knowing his friends like he did, he was certain that, if he did tell them the truth, then they would tell him to seriously consider getting help from someone so he could start to move on from Mark’s death.

“Hey Mark,” Robbie said, bending down in front of his friend’s grave. “Just to let you know, Ayda and I are on our way to the Lakes like you asked me to. So I guess I’ll be seeing you soon.” He said to the pristine marble in front of him. “Try not to scare the shit out of me when you do turn up, though. Try and give me some sort of sign in advance, yeah?” Robbie smiled at the stone before standing up. “I’d better be going now, then. See you soon, Marky.” Robbie smiled again, down at Mark’s grave, before turning around and making his way back to the car where Ayda was waiting, patiently, for his to return.

“You all right?” Ayda asked him as he got in the front seat of the car. She knew full well the mood Robbie could be in after he had seen Mark. His eyes would usually cloud over in sadness for a while, but today she noticed that Robbie looked nowhere near as upset as he sometimes was. Maybe he was finally starting to move on after all. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Robbie said before giving his wife a brief smile. “Now come on, let’s get going otherwise, we’ll never get there.”

Robbie started up the car and drove the two of them all the way up to the Lakes, never once stopping to take a break. The sooner they got there, the sooner he would be able to see whatever it was Mark wanted to show him. The only thing he really had to worry about now was trying to come out with an excuse to get him out on his own for a while. 

...

Robbie was up early Sunday morning, but he had no idea of what time he needed to be where Mark wanted him. There had been nothing in his dreams that night and Robbie seriously started to believe that he had been imagining the whole of the last week. Though, in all honesty, he was still not completely convinced that this was actually happening to him, but Robbie had wanted to see and speak to Mark again for so long now that any chance he got to see him was enough. He just really hoped that he wasn’t starting to lose it.  
It was when he stepped out of the shower that his question on time was answered. In front of him, the mirror had fogged over, but someone had written something on the glass. As soon as he laid eyes on it, they widened in shock and slight fear.

It read:

Forgot to tell you before, meet me @ eleven-ish. I’ll be around.  
Oh, and did anyone ever tell you to pull the curtain when you shower? ;P

Robbie read it over and over until he was certain about the fact that he was not imagining what was in front of him. He even smudged the ‘at’ sign just to make sure that it was real.  
Finally, deciding that what he was reading wasn’t in his head, he grabbed a towel and left the bathroom.

...

Once changed, Robbie made his way down to the kitchen in the little cottage they were staying in for the weekend and met Ayda, who was standing by the kettle waiting to the water to boil.

“Morning,” Robbie said, giving his wife a quick kiss before sitting down at the round table in the middle of the room.

“Morning, you want a cup of tea?” She asked as the kettle finished boiling.

“Please,” Robbie answered.

Robbie waited until Ayda had finished making their teas before telling her that he needed to go out for a bit on his own. He would love to take her with him, of course he would, but considering why he was going, he knew she wouldn’t understand. 

She still questioned him though and Robbie quickly thought of an answer which might come across as believable.

“I’m just going to see a friend for a while. Realised when we got here that they were still living up this way, so I thought I’d pay them a visit before we left. I’ll try not to be too long, promise.” Technically he wasn’t lying, but there was something in the look on Ayda’s face which told him she didn’t believe him. However, she let him go anyway, not having the heart to tell him otherwise.

...

Lake Windermere was only a twenty minute walk from where he and Ayda were staying and so it didn’t take long for Robbie to arrive at the spot where he would be meeting Mark.  
It was a remote place, with hardly anyone around. And as Robbie looked down at the water sitting in the lake in front of him, a strange feeling of peace came from within him; something that he had hardly felt for so long now that the sensation felt alien to him.

It only lasted a short time before the atmosphere around him changed slightly. It was more subtle than it had been before, but he knew exactly what it meant and, even though he knew what to expect, there was still an element of fear within him which he couldn’t quite shake, despite everything that had happened in the days leading up to this moment.

“You’re scared of me, aren’t you?” Robbie heard Mark say from beside him before turning around and looking at the ghost of his friend next to him.

“I’m not going to lie, but this whole thing is terrifying. I shouldn’t be able to hear you let alone speak to you. I’ve always had an open mind when it comes to the supernatural, but you know me well enough to know that I’m scared easily.” Robbie replied.

“I never meant to scare you.”

“I know.”

“You still refuse to look at me willingly though, don’t you?” Mark said, noticing how Robbie hadn’t yet turned to look at him standing beside his friend.

“Guess I’m still coming to terms with the fact that my dead friend is able to talk to me and I’m able to see him.” Robbie said. “It’s not something that I really ever expected would be possible, no matter how much I wished it would be.”

There was a silence between them for a few seconds; the only sound coming from the wind in the trees. It was a calm wind, which made the water ripple slightly. It was peaceful, tranquil, but there was a feeling to it which Robbie couldn’t quite place. A feeling that made it seem as though he was in a dream; that nothing around him was real. But then again, he was standing next to a ghost – things couldn’t feel more surreal than they already were.

“So, what is it that you needed to show me?” Robbie asked as he slowly turned his head to finally look at his best friend for the first time since he had showed up that morning.

“I shouldn’t be showing you this, but you need to realise that I need your help and, by showing you this, I hope you realise that too.”

“I don’t understand, Mark...”

“Just look, please.” Mark said as he pointed down at the lake before him. 

Robbie took a step closer towards the water and bent down; he couldn’t see anything, just darkness. There was nothing that was being shown to him. Nothing that he could see that could make him realise what Mark wanted him to realise.

“I don’t see anything Mark; I don’t understand what you want me to look at.”

“Just look closer.” Mark said and so Robbie moved his head closer to the water, bending down lower so he could do so. 

Still he could not see anything other than the depths of the water. He found himself wanting to look away, wanting to tell Mark that this was pointless and that he still couldn’t see a thing. 

But then something strange happened. Something ineffable. Suddenly Robbie found himself almost being pulled towards the water without physically being pulled. It was almost his mind was no longer his own as images started to flash through his head. None of them were clear though, more like a blur of past memories which could no longer be described. His thoughts were scrambled and Robbie had no idea what was going on. He was scared; terrified. But, all of a sudden, things started to become clear and he could start to make sense of the images in his mind.

Expect they weren’t images any longer; they felt like reality. In a matter of seconds, Robbie suddenly felt as if he was there, in someone’s house, looking down at a mess that had been made in the living room. There were empty bottles and empty ready-meal packets strewn across the floor and the table which sat in the middle of the room. There looked as though there was no one home, either.

Then Robbie suddenly felt himself moving, out of the living room and towards the kitchen. It was there that Robbie couldn’t help but feel as though he had taken a deep breath in shock. There on the floor, lay a figure of a man. They were surrounded with things that Robbie could remember from the dark days of his past: bottles and packets of god-knows what drugs which he since found a way to get away from. 

He fell to the floor beside the still man. It wasn’t easy to tell, but it looked as though they weren’t breathing. Before Robbie did anything else, he checked the man’s pulse on the side of his neck, there was nothing. Was it possible that this man was dead, having overdosed on drugs and drink? 

That was when Robbie noticed the tattoo behind the man’s ear. It was exactly the same one that Robbie had behind his. He suddenly felt his heart beating and that was when Robbie couldn’t help himself and quickly pushed the man’s lifeless body over so he was lying on his back.

As soon as he did, Robbie jolted back

and suddenly...

....

...suddenly Robbie everything come crashing back to him as he pulled his head out from underneath the water of the lake, jumping backwards with some force that he landed on his back at least half a metre from where he had been. He was shaking, his breathing having and irregular. 

Mark immediately went over to him but Robbie just moved back, trying to stand up but failing. His eyes flickered between the lake and Mark’s ghostly face and back again. He tried to speak but his breathing was just too irregular that it came out as nothing more than a string of words which Mark struggled to put together.

“Me...drink...drugs...body...kitchen...floor...dead...me...tattoo...me...dead...”

“Rob! Rob calm down! Please calm down!” Mark said to him, trying to get his attention and desperately trying to get his friend to calm down.

“Me...dead...past...future...death...can’t...alone...Ayda...Mark...”

“Robbie! Please, snap out of it. You’re okay; you’re going to be okay.” Mark wanted nothing more than to be able to hold Robbie right now and try and comfort him, but he couldn’t and he knew he never could. “Oh God, Robbie I’m so sorry. That wasn’t what I was meant to show you. I’m so sorry.”

“What do you mean that wasn’t what you meant to show me?!” Robbie shouted at him as he finally managed to stand up.

“That wasn’t what I wanted to get you here for. I wanted to show you what happened to ghosts that don’t cross over. I never expected you to see what you saw.”

“Then why didn’t I see that then?!” 

“I don’t know, I really don’t know.” Mark said. If Robbie didn’t know any better he would’ve said that Mark was close to tears, but knowing that Mark could never cry again, Robbie knew that it was merely a facial expression.

“Is that what’s going to happen to me, if I don’t help you?” Robbie asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Am I going to die?”

“NO! I won’t let that happen! I promise.” Mark said immediately, hoping that Robbie would believe him.

“How?”

Then suddenly it hit Mark. Everything came to him at once and he suddenly realised why Robbie had seen what he had and not what Mark had thought he would see.

“Don’t worry; I won’t let anything happen to you.” Mark said, a smile forming on his pale face.

“You know what’s going on, don’t you?” Robbie asked.

“I think I’ve worked it out.”

“Then tell me.”

“You should never have seen what you saw. No one should be able to see their future. But for some reason, you did meaning that you must be able to change it somehow.” Mark explained. “And I have to be that one to help you do it. It’s not me who needs to find closure, it’s you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It doesn’t matter; all you need to know is that I will be there for you; just like old times.”


	6. Chapter 6

After having come back from their weekend break, Ayda had noticed a change in Robbie almost immediately before they had left. Except, it wasn’t a change for the better; if anything, it only made her worry more than she already did. For reasons that Ayda couldn’t guess, Robbie was even more reserved, even quieter and even less willing to talk when asked if he was okay. Why this was, there was no way of knowing. Her only thought was that Robbie had seen something in the Lake District that had reminded of Mark – his old house maybe; but even that alone couldn’t explain what was going on in her husband’s head.

They had been back for about three days now and Robbie knew that he had to return to the studio. He hadn’t been back there since he had ran off that day and knew that he had to go in, just to let the others know that he was okay more than anything. But to say that Robbie was okay right now was a lie; after having seen what he had seen, he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be alright again. That was his future if he didn’t allow Mark to help him. But Mark was dead, so how could the ghost of his best friend know how to stop him from reaching the point of death? It sounded odd to say, and, although Robbie was still convinced part of him was losing it, there was that element of trust that he had always had when it came to Mark. If anyone could stop him from killing himself, then it would be Mark. He knew, deep down, that his friend wasn’t going to let a little thing like death get in his way.

…

Walking through the studio doors, Robbie knew that he was the last one here. Not that he cared. This was the last place Robbie wanted to be; even more so since he had literally just played witness to his own death in a way. He wanted to tell someone; to let someone know that within a certain amount of time he was going to be lying on the floor, dead, because he had relapsed after as he couldn’t cope with the loss of his best friend.

That was everyone’s worst nightmare, he knew it. Ever since Mark had died, Robbie knew that everyone was worried about him – worried that he might land up killing himself because he couldn’t cope. In all honesty, it was a worry that he held himself and knowing that it was just around the corner was the scariest thing of all.

Robbie pushed through the inside studio door into the main recording area. As per usual, he could hear the sounds of instruments – could even hear Gary singing something Robbie vaguely remembered writing. However, unlike all the other times he had walked into a studio in the years gone by, Robbie didn’t feel any excitement for this record; didn’t feel the same vibe he felt the last time the band had gone into the studio to record. Even on some of Robbie’s darkest days in the past, the idea that he could go into a studio and write in order to take away some of that pain made him feel even the slightest bit whole. But not this time. This time, no matter what words were written or what melodies were played, Robbie felt nothing of them.

“Hey Rob!” He heard Howard call from the other side of the room. Robbie put down the bag he was carrying and walked up to him.

“Hi,” he replied quietly, not feeling up to talking to anyone.

“You okay? You don’t look too good.” Howard pointed out and Robbie knew that it was only a matter of time before someone did. He hadn’t slept at all for the last couple of nights and, thankfully, Ayda had said nothing of it, but he knew she knew. She was clever, his wife, and so was Howard.

“I’m fine, just not been sleeping great.” Robbie said.

“You sure you want to be here?”

“No, but what choice do I have?” Robbie said, although it came out wrong and he could see Howard was taken aback.

“No-one forced you to do this, Rob. You could’ve said no.” Howard told him, annoyed at the way he had been spoken to.

“Yeah, but I’m not doing this for me, am I? How many times do I have to say that?” Robbie shot back, now equally annoyed as Howard.

“Has it occurred to that you’re not the only one who has been effected by Mark’s death? We feel it too, you know, yet we’re still here; we’re not moping around.”

“You don’t realise how much I’m going through!”

“Oh right yeah, ‘course I don’t. I don’t realise how hard it is to lose a friend. Oh wait…yes I do.” Howard said sarcastically.

“Whoa…what’s going on here?” Gary said as he and Jason walked up to where Robbie and Howard stood.

“Mark was more than just a friend to me!”

“Guys stop this!” Gary said. “Look, this is the last we need. We can’t start arguing with each other. Yes, we’re all hurting after Mark’s passing, but we have to try and deal with it. It’s going to be different for every one of us.”

Robbie didn’t know what to say in response and so thought it best to turn around and get himself out of the room before he said something he regret.

He headed towards the balcony; one of the only places within the studio that actually allowed Robbie to think with more of an open mind. He stood outside, by the edge, looking down at the city below him; the cold winter’s air biting at his exposed skin. He didn’t care though, it was just nice to out of the way from everyone else.

It wasn’t long, however, before he felt the presence of someone else. He knew that it was too much to ask for just to be alone for a few minutes. Every time something happened, someone would come and find him; asking him the same questions he’s heard a million times each day for the past year. Sometime, Robbie wished he could just be alone. The press were more understanding of that wish than his friends right now, it seemed.

“Rob you okay?” He turned to see Jason standing behind him, a worried expression evident on his face.

“I wish people would stop asking me that, you know?”

“I know, but we are worried about you.” Jason told him, walking up to the edge of the balcony and standing next to his friend. “If it’s any consolation, I’m not keen on being here, either.”

Robbie looked at him just then, a look of shock and confusion in eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Like you, I’m only doing this for Mark. Once we’d finished the _Progress_ tour the other year, I knew then that I wasn’t keen on doing it all again.” Jason confessed. “But then when Mark died and the option came about of doing this album and I thought: I have to do this one last time in memory of my friend. It’s what he would want after all. So yeah, I’m slightly reluctant – for different reasons than you, I know, but I know what it feels like to not want to come in but wanting to do this for the person you’ve lost. It’s hard, but you just have to get on and do it.”

“I know idea you felt that way.” Robbie said.

“I know, with everything that’s happened, I myself didn’t really know I felt that way properly until this came about. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if Mark hadn’t have gotten sick; hadn’t of died.”

“I wonder that all the time.”

“Gary’s right, though, we can’t start arguing with each other. I know you’re taking this harder than any of us – and that’s understandable. None of us are stupid, we know how you felt about Mark, but you have to try and move on Rob, before it kills you.”

The words: ‘kill you’ felt like a knife through the heart. Jason had no idea what he had seen and how true those words could possibly land up being. He wanted to tell him then, that he had seen his own death. But there’s no way he would believe him; especially since Robbie was struggling to believe all that was happening himself. If he confessed to what he had seen, then that would land up bringing up the fact that he was seeing the ghost of his best friend as well and Robbie knew that that would only end one way: a trip to a bereavement councillor or, at the very most, a psychiatrist.

“Rob,”

Robbie turned to see Howard standing by the door. Jason turned too, looking from Howard to Robbie and back again before smiling slightly.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” he said before walking off and heading back inside.

As he did, Howard walked up to where Robbie still stood. He looked apologetic and Robbie couldn’t help but hang his head low as his friend approached.

“I just wanted to come and say that I was sorry. I was out of line.” Howard said. “I know you’re going through a lot and I know that things are harder on you than they are on us. You were close with Mark – always were and you were with him from the moment he told you he was sick ‘til the moment he passed. I know it’s not easy on someone to have witnessed all of that and I know that you’re taking this hard.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Robbie replied. “I’m sorry that I’ve not been the easiest person to be around. Yes this is hard for me, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Robbie gave a small smile. “God, if Mark were here now, he’d been clipping us around the ear.” Howard couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, knowing how true that would be.

“Hey, maybe he is still here with us.” Howard said. “Just because we can’t see him anymore, doesn’t mean he’s not still with us. Anyway, I just wanted to come out and apologise, so I’ll see you in a bit, yeah? No hard feelings?” Robbie shook his head. “Alright mate, see you in there.” Giving Robbie a quick pat on the arm, Howard made his way back inside leaving Robbie alone with his thoughts once more.

He had wanted to tell Howard that, yes, Mark was still with him and that he had seen him. But just as before, Robbie knew where that would lead.

In all honesty, he was surprised that Mark hadn’t made an appearance during all of this; but what good would that have done? The others would have freaked if they had seen him. Still, in a strange way, Robbie wanted nothing more than to see him right now; regardless of how scared he felt every time he did.

…

An hour or so later, Robbie had somehow mustered up the energy and the willpower to be able to withstand three intense hours writing and recording. How he had managed that, he did not know. In a way, it took his mind off things – for the most part, anyway – more times than not, however, Robbie heard something or wrote something and he would have to try and hold back the tears he refused to let fall. It wasn’t easy and he wasn’t the only one; occasionally he would see one of the others sniff and, knowing none of them had colds, he knew they were thinking the same as him.

Three hours was all Robbie could take, but he left the studio and the others working feeling like he had actually managed to accomplish something. He felt he had put in some of his own input and had left feeling like something could come out of this – something he hadn’t felt since starting this project not long ago.

However, despite that, he felt no better in any other way and the death of his friend still plagued his mind. He knew three hours of intense work were not going to help him immediately and still he doubted it would help at all. Just because he had managed to put his head down and concentrate on something that wasn’t Mark for that length of time, did not mean that he felt any happier. It just meant that he had finally managed to drag out the remaining fragments of motivation that still happened to be within Robbie’s system.

As usual, Robbie walked passed the graveyard on his way back to his house. Being winter it was already starting to get dark, but Robbie felt there was enough daylight to pop by and at least say hello to his friend before making his way home. After all, just because he could occasionally see Mark (which he was still reluctant to believe was real) didn’t mean that he couldn’t still do what he had done every other day for the past year.

As he made it to Mark’s grave, there was a change in the wind and Robbie closed his eyes and pointed his chin up in the direction of the sky; taking in a deep breath before making any effort to speak.

“You know how to make an entrance, don’t you?”

“It’s either that or appear out of nowhere.”

Robbie moved his head back down and opened his eyes. Turning his head, he could see Mark standing next to him looking down at his own grave.

Having felt eyes upon him, Mark turned to look at Robbie.

“I saw what happened between you and Howard today.”

“Thought you might.”

“And I saw what Jay said.”

“Thought as much.”

“You don’t seem up to talking much today.”

“Not every day you go back to work trying hard not to tell your friends you’ve just seen your own death now, is it?”

“I never meant…”

“…to show me that. Yeah, Mark, I know.” Robbie interrupted.

“You okay?” Robbie just looked at Mark and Mark couldn’t help but lower his head, feeling bad for asking. “Stupid question, I guess.”

“You know what, I hate this. I hate how the last couple of years have turned out.” Robbie said after a pause.

“I know, I didn’t ask for this to happen. I never wanted to have to leave any of you. Things were finally looking up for all of us and then this happens and it’s all my fault but yet, I can’t change anything.” Mark said. There was regret evident in his voice and Robbie immediately looked over at him. It was then that Robbie saw the scared and sick man who had come to his hotel room that night, drunk, refusing to talk to him until he was made to before breaking down in a mass of tears, admitting to the fact that he was sick. It seemed like forever that day, but it wasn’t.

“Mark, you know none of this is your fault. You couldn’t help getting sick; you couldn’t help the fact that the treatment didn’t work; you fought your hardest.”

“You know what the worst thing is?”

“No,”

“Because of what’s happened, you could die, too and I don’t want to see you suffer.”

Robbie had nothing to say to that. Since seeing Mark again, it was the first time he had ever seen him this broken. How could he help him if he felt like this? Robbie had only just started to believe that this could actually work, but now, he felt quite the opposite.

“I’m trying my hardest not to, but I don’t know how.”

“Me neither.”

“Maybe if the others knew…” Mark just shook his head. “But…” Again, Mark shook his head.

“We’ll find a way, Rob, I know we will. There must be something that will help you move on. Something will make you realise. We don’t have a lot of time.”

“How long have we got?”

“Months. I don’t know how many, but months.”

Robbie felt his heart beat faster. Months? He only had months to live if they didn’t find something to help him? But surely now he knew he wouldn’t take his own life? Maybe Mark telling him was the prevention he needed? But, at the same time, he couldn’t take the risk. Something would happen – wouldn’t it?


	7. Chapter 7

It had been little over three weeks since Robbie had seen his possible fate and yet he nor Mark had were any closer to discovering its prevention. Over the course of the last few weeks, Robbie had been determined to try and find something that would change the way he felt and would trigger something in him. He tried, but nothing seemed to be right and Robbie’s mood, consequently, never lifted. Maybe he was trying too hard? After all, as the old clichéd proverb went: ‘good things come to those who wait’. It was hoped that he wouldn’t have to wait until it was too late.

Despite his desperation, which only grew as the weeks went by, Robbie still went to the studio to continue helping the other lads with the work on the album. So far they had a total of two completed demos ad a couple of backing tracks and pieces of lyrics that seemed to be heading somewhere. Nothing about the making of this album was quick and they had known that this was going to be the case right from the start. Thankfully, the record company were on the same page as them and weren’t going to issue any deadlines until they knew that the band were ready. After all, no-one had really expected that they would make this record; at least not this soon after what had happened.

Even so, they were all feeling the pressure. Their main worry wasn’t meeting the deadlines that would eventually be set, or, to some extent, what the fans would think of it at the end. What they were mainly worried about was making sure they wrote and put together an album that they knew Mark would be proud of. That was their main concern.

What they didn’t know, however – at least what three of them didn’t know – was that during some of the sessions, Mark had actually been ‘present’. He didn’t ‘attend’ them all, despite Robbie asking him every time he went outside onto the balcony to have a smoke to be there at them all. These were the only times when the two of them could have some kind of conversation without having to worry as much about one of the others catching him.

During each of their chats, Mark expressed his feelings for the album; always telling Robbie how proud it made him to witness what his friends were doing. His only wish was that he could be more of a part of it.

“Maybe you can,” Robbie suddenly said to him when the two of them were outside on the balcony, during one of Robbie’s cigarette breaks.

“What do you mean?” Mark asked.

“Be part of the album,”

“But I already am, you told me that you’re putting my song on the album.”

“You are alright about that, right? Only you’ve never really told me.”

“Of course I’m alright about it. I gave you that CD in the hope that you would do what you want with it.” Mark told him.

“Thank you,” Robbie smiled down at his ghostly friend. “That’s not was I was talking about, though,” Robbie said, topic looping. “I meant maybe you can be involved in the writing of the rest of the songs.”

“How? I already told you, the others can’t know.”

“You came to me in that dream that one time? Can’t you not just do that again, but with a song or something?” Robbie asked.

“You do realise I can’t just enter your willy-nilly, right?”

“Well, I don’t know. Mark, you’re a ghost.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Mark said. “And stop talking to me for a sec, Jason’s coming.”

Robbie turned around to see that Jason was now walking towards where he stood. He then gave a quick glance back in the direction of where Mark was stood next to him and looked back at Jason before doing a double take when he realised that his ghostly friend was no longer standing next to him. Jason must have noticed the slight confusion on his friend’s face as he walked up towards the balcony as he looked at Robbie quizzically.

“You lost something, Rob?” Jason asked.

“What?” Robbie asked, “Erm, no, I’m fine…haven’t lost anything.” He stumbled.

“You alright?” Jason asked. Robbie seemed almost…scatty and Jason couldn’t help but wonder if something was up.

“No, I’m fine, Jay, don’t worry about me.” In fact, Robbie was nowhere near fine and hadn’t been in ages. Not only was he still dealing with the loss of his friend (which, was being helped slightly by the fact that Mark was still here in a way) but now he was trying to come to terms with the fact that he was going to die in a number of months – or at least, he could do. But he couldn’t tell Jason all that and so just went with the very British answer of ‘I’m fine’.

“Okay well we were wondering if you were going to be much longer. Gary wants you in the recording booth to record part of that verse.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m done out here now. Sorry, I didn’t realise I’d been out here so long. I’ll come back in now.” Jason nodded and Robbie followed him back into the studio where he was needed to do some recording.

…

“Someone’s phone is going off.” Howard said as Robbie came out of the booth having recorded his vocal.

“Gaz, it’s probably yours.” Robbie said as he shut the door.

“No, Rob, I think it’s yours mate. Mine’s in my pocket and I don’t have that ringtone.”

“Does your phone ring that little, Rob, that you can’t recognise your own ringtone?” Howard asked.

“Telling people about my loathing of the things means no one ever calls me.” Robbie replied as he walked over to where Jason was, holding his phone out to him. “Cheers mate,” he said as he took the phone off him. “It’s Ayda, I wonder why she’s calling me, she knows I’m here”

Robbie pressed the answer button and put the device to his ear. The others couldn’t help but listen in to Robbie’s half of the conversation.

Robbie had moved away so that he wasn’t quite in earshot of the other lads, but eventually the other three heard the phrase: “I’m on my way.” Something was up.

“Rob, you okay mate?” Gary asked as Robbie came back as he hung up the phone.

“Ayda needs me to come home. Says she needs me there for something. Says it’s urgent.”

“Okay Rob, you go off. Don’t worry, we’re nearly done for the day anyway.” Gary told him. “I hope everything’s all right; let us know what happens, won’t you?”

“I will, don’t worry.” Robbie said as he grabbed his coat and laptop before making his way towards the door. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“See you later, Rob,” He heard all three of his friends say as he made his way out of the studio. In all honesty, he was worried about Ayda, but she hadn’t sounded that panicked over the phone now he thought about it. Maybe he was just overthinking things?

…

He got home in record time. Dumping his stuff on the floor as he entered the thresh hold, he called Ayda’s name, immediately getting a reply from upstairs.

Robbie ran up the stairs, meeting Ayda in their room a second or so later. She looked worried which made him worried which made him think that he was right to worry which…

“What’s wrong?” Somehow, his question came out a lot calmer than he was actually feeling.

“I’m late,”

“Late? For what?”

“I’m _late_.” She stressed the second word, praying that her husband would understand.

“Ayda, I don’t…” The look she gave him then cut him off and that was when it hit. “Oh…”

“I don’t know what to do, Rob.” It was clear that Ayda was scared and Robbie couldn’t deny it – so was he.

“Listen, have you taken a test?” Ayda shook her head. “Okay then, we’ll go and get one and we’ll find out for sure.”

“I already bought one why you were at the studio but couldn’t face finding out alone.”

Robbie then wrapped his arms around his wife. He was as scared as her but for the first time in over a year, Robbie knew he had to be the stronger of the two. Ayda had been through so much with him and what had happened, it was time for him to return the favour.

“Go get it and I’ll wait here. When you’re done we can wait together.” Ayda nodded and went into the ensuite. As she did, Robbie sat down on the bed, too scared and shaky to stand this one out.

Robbie was close to pacing the room as the time went by. His leg was bouncing up and down, nervously, without even really realising it was doing so. Ayda seemed to be in the bathroom for an age but eventually came out looking no better than she had when she went in.

“Takes two minutes.” She said as she put the pregnancy test down on the side table away from where she sat next to Robbie on the bed. The further away she put it, the less likely she would be to keep staring at it until something happened.

“It’ll be okay,” Robbie told her after a few seconds.

“What if I am pregnant, Rob?”

“Hey, we’ll deal with the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ once we know for sure.” Robbie couldn’t deny, however, that the same question had been on his mind throughout the whole time Ayda had been in the bathroom.

Ayda just nodded and for the remainder of the time they had to wait, both of them didn’t say another word. They were both as scared as anything and just didn’t know what to say. They both kept thinking about the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ but never uttered them aloud; all they could do was wait.

Eventually, the waiting stopped and Ayda grabbed the text from the bedside table. Robbie could see that her hands were shaking and he knew that, if he lifted his own, they would be doing the exact same thing.

Ayda looked down at stick in her hands. There in front of her was the word she had been fearing to see, but as she looked down at it, she couldn’t help but feel the tiniest amount of happiness start to creep in.

_Pregnant_

She then passed it to Robbie and anxiously awaited his reaction. At first, it didn’t seem to register with him what he was actually reading. Then it came. There was a look of fear in his eyes, but there was something else that Ayda couldn’t quite detect; something that told her maybe this wasn’t going to be such as bad thing at all. In all honesty, she worried about Robbie and how he was going to cope with this as well as everything else. He still wasn’t in the best of places and adding this to the mix, Ayda didn’t know how he would cope.

“Rob, you okay?” Ayda asked nervously. She was still quite shaken herself, but Robbie hadn’t uttered a single word and he’d been sat in the same position for quite some time now.

“I…” He tried again. “I…I’m going…to be a dad.” His eyes never once came off the one word that he had read over and over again, trying and trying to make sense of this and come to terms with what was currently happening. He was trying, but the information was still sinking in.

“Yeah,” Ayda nodded with a small smile on her face. Maybe he was alright about this? “You okay with that?”

“I… I don’t know.” He finally looked at Ayda, his expression hard to read. “You...you’re...”

Ayda just nodded and Robbie suddenly embraced her into a tight hug. He was shit scared. He…

…he could die.

And then it hit him. How could he commit to having a child if he didn’t even know if he was going to be around to see his son or daughter grow up? If he and Mark didn’t…

“Ayda, we can’t have this baby.” He said suddenly, looking Ayda straight in the eye. His eyes were wide and Ayda couldn’t help but look at him back the same way. Why was he saying this?

“What do you mean we can’t have this baby? This is our baby?” Ayda stood up, giving herself the power advantage.

“It’s not the right time! I…” Robbie trailed off, realising that he couldn’t say to Ayda what he really wanted to say. That he had really talked to Mark’s ghost; that he had seen himself dead by his own hands; that if he and Mark didn’t find something that would help him then that would become reality. He wanted nothing more than to tell her, but some things were better left unsaid.

“You what, Rob?” She shot back at him.

“I’m not ready for this.” Was what he said.

“Not ready? Has it actually ever occurred to you that maybe you would be ready if you let yourself be? You’ve been moping around for an entire year now and what good is that doing?” Ayda was almost yelling at him now and Robbie found himself powerless and unable to do a thing about it.

“I can’t be a good father. Not right now.”

“Then stop moping around and start trying to become one. I’m sick and tired of you walking around like a lost cause. It’s about time you started to move on. Mark’s gone, Rob and there’s nothing you can do to bring him back!”

Before Robbie could say anything, Ayda had slammed the door to the bedroom, leaving Robbie alone.

He sat himself down on the bed, with his head in his hands. His mind was full of thoughts, all contradicting one another. Of course he wanted children; it wasn’t that he _didn’t_ want this child, it was just he _couldn’t_. Not right now, anyway. He didn’t want to leave Ayda with their child, all alone because the future had caught up on him and he had run out of time to be able to save himself. He wanted nothing more than to tell Ayda the truth; to let her know what was going on and let her be able to help him as well. But he couldn’t and he couldn’t tell Ayda to get rid of their baby – their _child_ – for reasons that she didn’t even know about. It wasn’t fair on her.

Letting out a small sob, Robbie continued to think about what he was supposed to do.

“Mark, please, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do; please tell me.” Robbie said into his hands, hoping that, wherever he was right now, his dead friend might actually be able to help him with this as well.

If only Robbie knew that his salvation was just around the corner.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this has taken so long to get to you! I started writing the first half of this chapter a couple of months ago but found myself with a bit of writer's block for this story and, even now, I'm struggling a bit. I know vaguely where I want to take this story but it's the getting there that's proving the problem. That's one of the reasons as to why this chapter is also quite short compared to others in the story. Usually I like to try and hit the 3000 mark as I don't like writing short chapters, but hey ho...can't always get what you want.
> 
> I hope this chapter's okay, it's more of a filler than anything else, but getting it out there might help me get back into stead with writing this. 
> 
> Christmas holidays are coming up so I might be able to update during that, but I can't say. Depends on how stuck I get on this story again.

Gary watched from a distance as Robbie typed away at the keyboard of his laptop. The taps were loud and angry and Gary honestly wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to ask his friend if he was alright or leave him alone and pretend that he hadn’t noticed.

It was just the two of them today. Howard had been asked to do a DJ gig and was away for the weekend while Jason was having the day to himself. It meant that it was down to Gary and Robbie to continue work on the album but, right now, Gary would be surprised if the two of them even managed to pen a line throughout the course of the day.

Something had clearly happened between Robbie and Ayda – Gary didn’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to work that one out – but for the life of him, he hadn’t even half a clue as to what that something could be; especially since it was only yesterday that Robbie had had to leave early because Ayda had called him with something apparently urgent.

The only good thing that all of this was that it didn’t seem to have anything to do with Mark and his death.

At least, Gary hoped that was a good thing.

…

By lunch time, Gary had had enough. Robbie’s tapping, constant sighing and just general mood was starting to do Gary’s head in. He wasn’t sure how he had lasted this long without completely losing the will to live, but now he had definitely reached the end of his tether.

“Okay, Rob, seriously, what’s the matter?” Gary asked, frustration apparent in every word. “You’ve been like this since you got in.”

“I’m fine,” was Robbie’s taut reply.

“Don’t give me that crap.” Gary shot back; he was in no mood to be taking any of Robbie’s bullshit right now, they had too much to do and far too much else to worry about; there was no use in lying when the truth would come out eventually. “Tell me what’s going on. Something’s clearly happened.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Gosh he could be a stubborn bastard when he wanted to.

“Rob mate, whatever’s going on, you can tell me. You don’t have to hide anything.” Gary was gentler this time in the way he spoke and that seemed to strike something within Robbie who looked at him, his eyes softening.

“What would you do if you were told something that, in different circumstances, you would be over the moon with but, because of how things are, you’re not ready for the sudden change that what you were told will bring?”

It took Gary a moment to process what Robbie had said to him. His friend was deliberately being cryptic and Gary didn’t know how to answer him without knowing what it was that was going on.

“What’s happened, Rob?” Gary asked again as he came to sit next to Robbie on the studio sofa.

Robbie sighed. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to avoid it forever and, if there was one person that would understand, it would be Gary. He always understood and that’s why Robbie then decided to stop avoiding the subject and explain to his friend what was going on.

“Ayda’s pregnant.” It was all Robbie said, but Gary knew immediately why his friend was feeling the way he was.

“And you don’t think you’re ready?” Robbie shook his head. “Why?” Robbie didn’t say anything back, but gave Gary a look that told him what he needed to know. “You know, it’s always going to feel like the wrong time but, the way I see it, if you continue to keep pushing life away just because you feel you can’t handle it, then you’re never going to realise that you can and you’ll become stuck in a rut that you can’t escape from. Don’t get caught up in a trap, Rob, because it’ll become difficult to get out of it and, when you do, it might be too late.”

Robbie didn’t say anything after that, but he nodded slightly, indicating that he had heard what Gary had said. In that moment, he wanted more than anything to tell Gary what he had been told and what it was that he was really afraid of, but there was no point. Gary was worried about him enough, there was no use in making him even more so. No, this was something that he was going to have to deal with on his own.

They spent the rest of the day working on what they could. They didn’t talk about Robbie’s situation again, but Robbie knew that Gary was silently telling him that he needed to talk to Ayda about all this, but he couldn’t make up his mind whether he wanted to or not – at least not right now. He didn’t feel as though he was ready to face up to what happened last night. He knew he needed to apologise for the way he acted, it hadn’t been fair on Ayda, but he was so indecisive about what he wanted right now, so much so that talking about any of this wouldn’t do any good.

That was why, when he and Gary had finished for the day, there was no way that Robbie was going to go anywhere near his house just yet. So he did what he always did – made a beeline for the graveyard.

…

It was almost dark by the time he got there, the nights still drawing in early as winter still hung in the air; the orange glow from the streetlights tinting the pavement and the surrounding area. It was cold too, his breath shielding his view as Robbie made his way towards the gate. For anyone else, this wouldn’t cause comfort, but for Robbie, who had done this journey in all seasons of year, couldn’t think of anything else that would comfort him more. He needed to talk to Mark and the only place he could think of where he might get the interaction he needed, without causing too much of a scene, was right here.

He walked the all-too familiar route to Mark’s grave with ease. He had done this so many times over the last year that he could see the route in his head and could do it with his eyes closed if ever needed to. On his way, he passed no one, for which he was thankful for. It meant there was no one here to judge him – not that anyone would in a graveyard. Over the past twelve months, he had seen many people talking to their loved ones and, since he had started seeing Mark, he often wondered if they, too, could see the ones they had lost.

Reaching the grave he had come here to see, Robbie knelt down and looked at the stone in front of him. The little light that filled the space allowed Robbie to see, with some difficulty, what had been carved in the stone. Without realising it, his finger had started to trace the word _friend_ and he let out a sad sigh, taking his finger away from the cold marble and looking down from the headstone in front of him.

“I wish you’d tell me what I’m supposed to do.” He sighed. “I don’t know anymore. After what you showed me, I don’t think I can do this. How can I allow myself to help bring a child into the world knowing that I might not be around to see him or her grow up? What kind of a life will that be for them knowing that their father couldn’t get his shit together?” He sighed again, not really knowing what else to say. “I told Gary that Ayda is pregnant; he told me that it was always going to feel too soon and that I shouldn’t allow myself to get caught up in an inescapable trap. What if I’m already in that trap? What if I’m already so far in that I can’t ever escape? What if it’s already too late?”

Robbie closed his eyes and moved his head down towards the ground. When he opened them again, he saw something that he was sure hadn’t been there before. In front of him, on the ground, the dirt had been smoothed over somehow and engraved in it were the words:

_It’s not too late_

Looking up from the ground, Robbie stood up slowly and looked around him. His breath had picked up slightly and he looked for any sign of Mark in the dark graveyard. He knew that it had been him to leave the message – how could it be anyone else? But he couldn’t see any sign of his friend whatsoever.

When he had looked around twice – three times – with no sign of Mark at all, Robbie looked at the ground below him to see that the message was still there but said something completely different.

_There’s still time to save you. I promise._

Even after death, Mark still had more faith in him than he did himself.

“Mark, where are you? Why can’t I see you?”

_You don’t need to see me to know that I’m here_

It was something that Robbie had been told numerous times and in numerous ways over the last year, but he still refused to believe it. Right now, he needed to see Mark; he needed that comfort in knowing he was there; a message in the dirt wasn’t good enough.

“I need you here though, I need to see you.” He said, looking above him at the sky before looking back down at the ground to see that the message had changed for a fourth time.

_Robbie, listen, you don’t always need to see me to know that I’m always here._

_Go back home,_

_talk to Ayda,_

_sort this out._

_I know you’re scared and I know that this may seem like the wrong thing to do,_

_but, until we can sort out what we’re going to do and how we can save you,_

_you need to carry on as normal._

_This will help you do that, I’m sure of it._

_It’ll give you something to look forward to;_

_something to keep your mind off what might happen._

_So please, go home, tell Ayda you’re sorry for the way you acted_

_and tell her that you do what this child._

_You know you do, I can see it in your eyes;_

_the only thing that’s holding you back right now_

_is you._

The lines of Mark’s messages came and went. As Robbie’s scanned the words and went back to the start, a new line would appear.

He knew Mark was right, he always had been and always will be: he did want to be a father, had always wanted to be a father. When he was younger, he had always thought that having a child would be the one thing that would keep him grounded, would make him grow up. He still thought that, but with everything else that had happened, he was even less sure than he had ever been of whether or not he would be able to cope with the new addition in his life. What if he fucked it all up, like he often did with everything else? What then? Forgetting what was in his future for a second, could he actually do this? Could he actually be a father that his child would look up to for guidance? He wasn’t sure. He knew Ayda would make a fantastic mother – she was born for it – he, on the other hand, well…he wasn’t sure.

Robbie sighed again and looked back at the ground: there were no new messages waiting for him to read. Mark had meant it when he had told him to go home.

“OK, I’ll go back, talk to Ayda. I just hope that this really is for the best. And I hope she’ll listen to me.” Robbie took one last look at the grave before placing his hand on the cold marble as a means of saying both ‘bye for now’ and ‘thank you’ before making to head back towards the gate.

Before he was able to turn around completely, he noticed a message in the ground by the grave. It read:

_Good luck_

“Thanks Marky,” Robbie told the ground. “But I think I’m going to need more than luck to get me through this.”

With that, he turned around completely, walking back towards the gate.

What he didn’t see was a figure standing just out of sight, watching him walk away with a worried look on his pale face before disappearing altogether, no one ever knowing that he had been standing there all this time, watching his friend from afar. 


End file.
